Are you green?
With envy that is .. If you are, let me take a moment to come clean.
I work from home. Cool, right? Like it's the dream for so many to NOT have to report to .. well .. anyone. To be left to one's own devices to get sh!# done on their own time in their own way. I get it. It was my dream too. My dream that turned into a reality.
I've been reflecting on this #dreamturnedreality quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because I've thrown another #workfromhome opportunity into the my mix over here. Maybe it's because I feel that due to this new challenge I'm recoiling back into 'comfort' as a way to gain my balance (which we alllll know simply doesn't exist so talk about some wasted time). Or maybe it's because my 12 yr old daughter told me on this past Monday (#firstdayback for the 4 kiddos after #springbreak2018) that I was so lucky to get to stay at home to work ... Whatever the reason may be for my reflection #righthererightnow, there's no denying that the phrase 'grass is always greener' keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.
See now? Just by me typing that phrase 'out loud' has me hearing the pity party, picturing the #eyerolls, and feeling as though I'm letting down the brigade of #wahms and #wahds and all who work hard in order to keep this dream alive in the hearts of those who may feel as though they don't have the opportunity to make it happen. Ugh. I'm sorry. Please trust me when I say, I know I'm blessed. I know it's what I've always wanted. I know it's what you (who may be reading this) may want ... But truth is, it's still hard work. It's not a vacation. I can say with complete confidence that this 'job' has been the absolute most challenging endeavor I've ever set out to do. And I'm talking about all of it. From the time I stopped accepting a paycheck for the hours I would work for someone else in order to put in the 'unpaid' hours (and hours and hours) to build what would hopefully deliver a paycheck in the end, to today as I'm sitting at my dining room table #typingthisblog, it's been a journey of extreme growth, challenge, reward, disappointment, emotion, and pretty much every word you can think of when one says 'I just know I can do this' ..
Here's the thing, I still have to report to someone and that someone is ME. And listen, no one is harder on me than me. I mean, that's how I'm built anyways .. And let me ask you this. Have you ever let yourself down? Man oh man, that doesn't feel good now, does it. Try doing that multiple times a day, every day, while having no one really knowing that you've failed because no one even really knew what you were setting out to do because you gave the 'assignment' to you and you are again reporting to .. well .. YOU. I simply have to deliver on what I said I would do. If not, I'm really not #workingfromhome now am I?! I'm simply just home, while everyone else is out there making the world go round. I mean, seriously. Accountability at its finest. AHH. Not only that, but there's this weight of feeling a bit careless with the blessing you've been given because time just keeps on passing and all you want to do so desperately is to #makeitcount, not only for you but for EVERYONE who relies on you, who supports you, who believes in you and believes the #grassisgreener where you stand .. Talk about pressure.
So yes, I admit it. Some days (apparently today) I may be the one who is #greenwithenvy thinking of the grass I left behind. Some days I may just want someone to tell me what to do and when to do it by because I find myself spinning in circles not confident in my ability to decide how to take my next step forward. Some days I may think that I actually need the motivation of a paycheck at the end of the day in order to work the hours I know are necessary each week to make this blessing I've been given count .. because lets be honest, shall we? I tend to wander around my home looking at the unfinished grout in my kitchen right now, this box of dishes that has been sitting in the dining room for weeks that needs to be put away, the walls that I want to paint, the pile of pavers behind the house that I need to finish using in the yard. I mean, I could go on and on with my own excuses as to why I couldn't actually 'work' at home today (and don't even get me started on the research I simply HAVE to do for random things online, right Jake?) .. Like these things need to get done .. right?! WRONG. These things need to get done in the time I have around the 'work hours' I need to be keeping ...
And I know this.
Maybe I just needed to type it 'out loud' ...