Flipped on its head ...
When you believe that THAT, now THAT is something I have a handle on and then .. well .. no. No you actually don't. Life, right? Can I get an Amen ...
I'm gonna share a lil insight into my soul with you all here (vulnerability at its finest). For a little over a year now, I've been blessed with the gift of an outlet that has allowed for me to walk down what has become a truly trusted path for me to strengthen my relationship with God. The journey has been something that I can now say without a doubt, that until I was actively walking down it I never would have guessed just how much I would cherish every step of the way. Here's the thing .. I have always known that I had a relationship however, I did not realize that I was, in fact, taking it for granted.
I didn't realize that the words I spoke were not matching up with my actions. That my communication in the relationship was kept more in passing through my head rather than stationed within my heart.
I didn't know that I wasn't completely trusting Him with my time here. I would continue to try to take the reigns of my day to day only to be left with unnecessary frustration that would inevitably lead me to Him asking 'why' after the fact, rather than asking for guidance during. Truth is, I knew there was a miss but I just couldn't quite understand where it was stemming from. Like I knew that the absolute best parts of my life had indeed NEVER unfolded on my own timeline. It was always on His. This had proven to be true time and time again yet, I just couldn't release this pseudo control I mistakenly thought I had .. This all changed when (after so much time was spent searching for the answer) I found myself front and center to where would soon become right where I needed to be. This would be where I would start filling what I now recognize was a void in my spirituality. Not only that, but I decided to not (yet again) take that recognition (and my excitement for a renewed relationship) for granted. As with anything, we need to apply ourselves. It's the ole saying "you can lead a horse water ..." and I was not going to ignore the signs. I just knew this was Him stepping in to show me the importance of trust. The importance of leaning into Him for guidance through life, rather than relying on Him for all the answers when I felt I needed them most.
I went all in.
I connected. I learned. And I strengthened my belief. All while feeling supported, comfortable, and loved. I felt as though I had finally figured it all out. That is, until I found out that the one person who had opened my eyes to the glory was no longer going to be in the place where I had found comfort. Listen y'all, I cried .. I was caught off guard. I was rocked. I was broken hearted. I couldn't understand and I needed an answer. I needed to know WHY .. And then it happened. I recognized that it wasn't for me to understand (note to self, remember that you are NOT in control).
I don't need to be asking 'why' right now. What I need to be doing is leaning in to Him now more than ever for guidance. My husband said "See? Look how much we have grown. It's not like that growth is going to go away. We're not going to go backwards here," and you know what? He's right (he usually is but don't tell him I told you that) .. So where 'goodbye' is far from easy, it certainly doesn't mean its the end. It simply means its the beginning of something new. A fork in the road if you will ... Who knows, maybe who I now consider to be a very dear friend was simply my 'training wheels' for this particular path I chose to go down (please refer to my 'halfway' blog for reference).